Rise Above

I'm frustrated and I'm angry, but thats okay. These emotions have gotten a bad rep in modern culture. We like things to be polite, nice, and positive. Negativity is generally frowned upon, but needn't be. While walking around angry all day is no way to live, its still a valid emotion in some situations, one of which being dealing with disability. 

I just fainted outside on the gravel and stepping stones in front of our house. This has become a regular occurrence in the past few weeks, but today was different. Until today I had been biding my time until my wheelchair came, today my insurance notified me that they don't see it as medically necessary because my legs work and aren't going to cover it for POTS. While I have every intention of fighting back, this angers me. It infuriates me. I have been passing out everyday multiple times a day for weeks. Even with a helmet, thats a lot of injuries. Only last week we found out it wasn't seizures, so now we're moving forward with the loop recorder implant. When the neurologist found out I had been waiting since April for a wheelchair he said that was "unacceptable" and that I should be in a wheelchair all the time. He stressed the point that I've been lucky to not have any spinal injuries or broken bones (except my finger). He even said that I should sleep on the first floor until we get this all under control. My cardiologist said similar things as well. I hate that the insurance is preventing me from getting the things I need to get some of my life back. 

I'm angry at insurance, for not covering me for my wheelchair. I am angry with the situation I'm in, having to be so dependent and not being able to do the things I want. I'm angry with my body for not doing what I need it to do, not even allowing me to stand sometimes. While this seems really negative, an in a way it is, just the act of acknowledging my anger seems to help. I know that this situation may be permanent and it may be temporary, but I'm just tired of fighting needless fights while I'm treading water to keep myself going. 

On days like this, when the negative seems to be taking over, I remind myself of my mantra. "You can't be a phoenix without ashes." Bad things are going to happen in your life. You will be frustrated, hurt, depressed, betrayed, and more, but you can't let that define you; let it transform you into something better. These things present us with opportunities if we look at them in the right way, opportunities to become better and stronger people. If we look at the challenges we are faced with as chances to improve ourselves, we can get through them. Then you can rise above and be a phoenix.